I don’t care!

It’s in my nature to care. To show affection. To make people feel special. To let people know that they are important. To let people see their significance especially in my life.

I’ve known these ever since I was a kid.

But these same people in my past have been cruel to me. They pushed me away. They took me for granted. They made me feel unimportant. They showed me that they didn’t care.

I was hurt. Every single time. I cried alone. I’ve always cried alone. I bore the pain on my own. At night, I cried myself to sleep. In the morning, I forced a smile and pretended that everything’s okay—that I’m okay.

Eventually, I changed. I ceased to care. I stopped showing any sign of affection. I became aloof. I pushed everyone away. I always kept my “personal space.” I became emotionally independent. It doesn’t matter anymore what people thought or felt. I made sure I’m always “detached” from them.

For years, I made everyone see this side of me. I made everyone believe that this is me!

But it isn’t. I fooled everyone alright. It was such a good lie that I fooled myself, too.

It just hurts that a stranger would be the one to make me realize what I’ve been denying all my life—that I care. And no matter what I say or do, I’ll never cease to care.

What hurts even more is to hear a friend say straight to my face that it won’t matter to me if mawala sila sa buhay ko. That I won’t get hurt. That I won’t care. That I’ve lived most of my life without them, so it wouldn’t affect me if the time comes I'll have to lose them.

I felt I’ve been slapped. I know that this is what I want them to see. This is what I want them to believe. But in all the time I’ve been pretending, no one told me this right up to my face—EVER! I guess I was just shocked. The truth really does hurt.

When he said that, tears welled up from my eyes. But still, I went on with my show. I kept my tears from falling. I just looked away. And continued to pretend I don’t care.

I didn’t want to. Really. But it’s just so hard to pretend already. I’m so very tired of pretending. It’s just that I’ve done this for so long that I don’t know what else to do. I’m confused. And hurt. But still, fear pushes me to go on this way. I dunno for how long. I wish I did. So I could look forward to the day I could finally be myself—my real self.